Why I Deserve To Be In A Superbowl Advert

The following are the top ten reasons why I think I deserve to jet over to Hollywood and star in a Superbowl advert.

1. I've never watched the Superbowl. Odd? Maybe. Sad? Possibly. Ironic? Definitely!
2. Every good piece of film needs an Englishman, if only to play the bad guy!
3. Whilst in America, I promise to rid the world of the Beckhams.
4. The other nine contestants are into animal testing, home-made snuff films and necrophilia*
5. I also love you more than they do and though they're only trying to use you, I offer unconditional love and a choice of three water-based lubricants.
6. If you don't take me, I'll show up anyway and remove my clothing until you let me take part.
7. I absolutely, hand on heart promise not to dryhump the NumaNuma guy throughout the filming of the advert.
8. At no point will I stand bolt-upright and scream "WHY ARE THOSE COLONIAL PIG-DOGS TOUCHING THE BALL?". Not once.
9. I didn't like to bring this up before, as it seemed inappropriate, but I have cancer.
10. I've got a gun.

*allegedly