Andy's Land of Adventure

A Little Bit About Me

I've been thinking about it, and as much as you may all know about me from what you read on here, no-one actually really knows me. A couple of people know most things, but no-one knows it all. So, on that basis, I thought I'd do one of those surveys about me so maybe you can learn a thing or two. Mum and dad, if you're reading, don't judge me - you live and learn, remember that!

About you

• Full name: Andrew Joseph Whitehead
• What do people call you?: Andy or Andrew when I've been naughty
• Birthday: 27th October 1982
• Current location: At my desk in the office in Victoria, London, England, Europe, Earth
• Height: 5'9"
• Eye colour: Hazel
• Hair colour: Dark brown with a few highlights (that are now about gone)
• Righty or lefty?: Righty

A few questions

• Do you believe in god?: Did you read my religious rantings? No, no I don't
• Do you have a religion?: Don't all religions have Gods? Again, no
• Do you speak another language?: A bit of French but nothing too fluently
• Do you live in the moment?: Herne Hill in South London
• Do consider yourself tolerant of others?: Very, I just rant about them at a later date
• Are you confident?: Overly sometimes. I can be a little shy with new people at first, though you may not believe that
• Are you a daredevil?: A bit yeah. I like adrenaline rushes
• What is the compliment you get from most people?: That I have amazing eyelashes. I get that all the time
• What do you like the most about your body?: I'm not displeased with any of it really, but my eyes I guess
• Do have any bad habits?: Drunk texting and not knowing when to shut up sometimes
• What's your biggest fear?: Choking to death on a marble or drowning
• Do play an instrument?: Yeah, electric and acoustic guitar now but I've tackled numerous in the past
• Can you sing?: I'm not too bad. I get points for effort I think
• If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: I'd like to be in really good shape, but I'm working on that
• What is the most important lesson you've learnt from life?: Sometimes, the best things come through doors you didn't know you'd left open
• Do you think life has been good so far?: It's lead me to where I am now, and I'm happy now, so yes!
• Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: Well I've always told myself not to regret things I've done, only what I haven't done, but still, no, not so far
• Do you believe in love at first sight?: No. You can't love someone you don't know both inside and out
• Do you kiss on first date?: It's been known, but I don't expect it by any means
• Do you have sex on first date?: Again, it's happened but it's not as if I plan it that way

Favourite

• Colour: Blue
• Number: 27
• Food: Mexican, especially fajitas
• Drink: Fruit Smoothies
• Alcoholic drink: Jack Daniels and coke
• Country: No idea really. England?
• Animal: The Spider Monkey - I want one
• Season: Summer
• Day of the week: Thursday or Friday
• Name: Jessica, Jennifer, Rachel and Rebecca (in no particular order)

Have you ever

• Been arrested?: No comment - ok, yes. I spent a night in a cell in the first year of uni when I was picked up for being drunk and incapable after passing out in the street. It's a long story, but I didn't get a record for it
• Kissed someone of the same sex?: No comment again - m'eh, ok, yes. Ibiza and it was worth it for the rewards - I'm saying no more
• Done something you regret?: Never
• Smiled for no reason?: All the time
• Laughed so hard you cried?: Yeah, most memorably when coming back from Amsterdam
• Sang to someone for no reason?: I'm always singing, both to myself and other people
• Talked to someone you don’t know?: How else do you meet new people?
• Been in love?: Yes, twice really
• Broken the law?: Apparently so
• Been in a car accident?: Couple of bumps but nothing major
• Run into a wall?: Yeah, and a lamp-post
• Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: No
• Cried over a movie?: Far too often. Armageddon and The Notebook to name a couple *sobs*
• Been so drunk that you cant remember?: Not since last Friday
• Stayed home from school?: Yeah
• Been out of State?: If by State you mean the Country, then yes

In the opposite sex:

• Hair colour: Prefer darker generally, but it's not like I don't like blondes either
• Eye colour: No preference
• Height: Shorter than me in heels
• Body type: I like smaller frames. Slimmer and shorter generally
• Short or long hair?: Mid length?
• Tattoos/piercings?: Don't mind really as long as neither are too OTT. I don't really like face piercings other than ears
• Hot or cute?: Cute, definitely

The last

• Person you kissed: Kate, on the cheek
• Person you phoned: Jennifer in Texas for work
• Time you slept in someone else's bed: Had a few sofas recently, but bed... erm, would be Becky's after we went to a late cinema showing near her house a few weeks ago
• You told someone you love them: Last week, to my mum on the phone
• Person you spoke to on MSN: Roz who I'm speaking to right now
• Person who sent you a text: Kate, about meeting tonight

There we go, I hope you learnt something

152 And Counting

As of today, January 30th 2007 (I can't believe how fast this month has gone incidently) we are now 152 days from July 1st, and I can't wait. I expect most of you know why already, but for those who don't, it's when the English "no smoking in public places" ban comes in. How I long for that day. After this weekend, when twice I woke up stinking of musty cigarettes I've come to dislike them more and more to the point now when I really dislike smelling it in the street. Shame it will be allowed in outdoor places too. If I had it my way, we'd be like some parts of the world where tabacco is completely outlawed, but no, like alcohol in that it's a nice taxable drug that the fat cats can make loads of money off, so that will never happen - though we (or I at least) can hope!

Dream A Little Dream

Over the last couple of nights, I've had some really mental dreams and I've no idea why. The first one, a couple of nights ago involved me being at my parents home in Burton and one of my old work colleagues coming around to see me. God knows why. Anyway, as I introduced her to my parents it became apparent that she already new my dad, and I suspected that they'd been having an affair. How mad is that? Anyway, yesterday was no more 'normal' (though when are dreams ever normal). In it, I'd ventured back to Burton again (I might know the reason for that this time though as yesterday I spoke to someone from Burton) and I was at school doing a an extra GCSE (actually, that makes sense too as she went to my school too). The odd thing was though, it was a History GCSE, and I am awful at history and I didn't do it, I did Geography instead, which I'm equally bad at. Maybe that's why I was going to do it. Anyway, we were studying "Much Ado About Nothing" (odd for a history lesson) and I kept getting funny looks from all of the other pupils as I was so much older than them. When I walked into the room originally they thought I was the new teacher. Anyway, one guy came and stood at the bottom of my desk and told me he didn't like me. I stood up and was about a foot and a half taller than him, so he soon backed off and sat down. Then a moment later, his older brother came in, and he too squared up to me, but again I was a load taller than him. When the teacher came in, she asked if anything was wrong and I said "no, he was lust leaving", which he did. Then I woke up

It's all a little surreal, and I don't know what it all means, but I've certainly been waking up with some odd memories over the last few of days. If anyone knows about dream translations, please, let me know what you think

The Easter Bunny Hates You

What the Easter Bunny gets up to the other 364 days of the year!

Bad Joke Alert

I apologise in advance...

Two elephants and a snake jump off a cliff
Boom boom tssssssss

Randomness Ensues (Part 3)

I told you not to ask about Saturday. Here's why... As I'm sure you're all aware, I'm investigating the world of Internet dating at the moment, and on Saturday I got another one of God knows how many emails I've received. I'll have a quick count.

*goes off to count*

63. I've had 63 emails at the moment. Of these 63, I'd say that 90% were immediately labeled "no" for a variety of reasons, some of them being

• Too old or too young
• Lives in Sheffield or similar
• Da msgs wer all lik dis n tht jus makes me wanna go 2 da hous & kik te sht out of sum1
• Didn't have a look that I liked (it's dating so you've got to find them attractive huh)
• Wrote stupidly short messages like "Hi" or "How are you". If you're not going to put any effort in, why should I?
• Was obviously after a NSA relationship

So, once I'd separated my idea of the good out from the bad, I was left with three or four potentials. I was speaking to one (that I hadn't met) for the first time on MSN early Saturday afternoon and we were discussing our evening plans. I had nothing on the plate and she invited me to a house party at her sister's house. My first thought was "oo er", but after I'd thought about it for a couple of minutes, I decided to go for it. So, just after 9 that evening I hot-footed up to Euston Station to meet this girl and go to a party. I have absolutely no problem in saying that she was by far the most attractive person that I've ever seen. When we got the party a couple of minutes later, I found that everyone there was really stunning. The beautiful evidently hunt in packs. It was undoubtedly the best looking party I'd ever been at, in a lush flat (that daddy had bought for her sister no less)

With this though, comes a price, and obviously not a price that you can judge over MSN alone. She. Had. To. Talk. Really. Slowly. So. That. Her. Brain. Could. Process. What. She. Was. Saying. As. She. Was. Obviously. A. Bit. Slow. If you know me, you'll know that I'm a pretty fast talker and I like using the occasional fancy word like esoteric, plethora, myopic, apotheosise and apoplectic and I find it a real pain to have to stop and explain myself every time I use a word with more than four syllables in it. She was obviously one of those people that had never had to use her brain (though she said she'd done a course in Philosophy but I feel that may just be a façade). So, I stayed for a bit before making my excuses and leaving.

Queen said it best. Da da dum, dum, dum - another one bites the dust. Oh well, you don't get if you don't try huh!

Sunday on the other hand was amazing. I spent the whole day hanging out with Kate from uni (who's quickly becoming my new best friend). Kate has a little issue with time-keeping, so you have to use the "Kate Rule of Three". Basically, if she tells you she's going to be an hour, she'll actually be three. So using this I managed to turn up at her house just as she was leaving. Perfect. From there we trekking into Oxford Street and did some shopping. We both love a bit of PS2 multi-player action so I got Mortal Kombat Shaolin Monks, Gran Turismo Concepts and Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I've not played Gran Turismo yet as I'm waiting for Kate so I don't have an advantage, but MKSM is a great, madly paced beat-em-up, and GTA:VC will always be one of the greatest ever games. Got to love tearing down the street doing drive-bys on a BMX bike! Anyway, I'm digressing. We spent most of the afternoon shopping for various things, including something that we've named "invisipants" and generally having a good time. I've not had a day that was such laid-back fun in a long time. It was so chilled out it was fantastic. I was feeling very orally capable too. Not once was I lost for words, or unable to think of a witty come-back, even by my terms. As the day got on, we got the munchies so we went to the Wetherspoons in Leicester Square for some food. I remained healthy and just had a wrap and a J2O. Oh, and we played on the itBox and took £2 out of it playing Pub Quiz. It was pretty easy actually! After that, we went our separate ways and I spent the rest of the night playing Grand Theft Auto before going to bed.

We're meeting up again on Wednesday and I'm going to wipe the floor with her on Gran Turismo. Well, that's the plan anyway.

Randomness Ensues (Part 2)

Last night was not what I expected, but sometimes, it's the times you don't expect that you're going to have that are the best. I'm allowed one night every two weeks to have a little tipple, and last night was that night, but the thing is, I didn't have a little tipple - I had a lot.

As I finished work, I found myself with nothing to do, and I then discovered that a bunch of people from work were heading off down to The Abbey bar around the corner. The forth floor marketing people were there for the leaving party of someone I didn't know, and the five floor tech guys were there because tech guys like to drink. Anyway, a hour or two in, the fact that I'd not drunk in a couple of weeks kicked in and I found myself dishing out potentially misguided relationship and self love advice, dancing outrageously and downing shots of tequila, sans the salt and lemon.

Before I knew what was going on, we were at some place in Soho. I'd be lying if I said I remembered it all - I think it was called The Soho Bar but I could be mistaken. I vaguely remember talking to some guys who were sitting around a table and being convinced that they were in the mafia. I do remember that they kept buying me drinks though - I hope they didn't get the wrong idea, I mean it was in Soho after all. Anyway, the next thing I can remember is paying £15 for a taxi home after I'd fallen asleep on the night bus and woken up God knows where! I do remember it was 3:52am though.

I've since discovered from a friend that saw me on the bus that I was sitting next to and talking to some girl on the bus (incidentally I've no idea who that was) before pretty much falling asleep on her. Randomness is fun!

When I woke up this morning, I had a barrage of text messages waiting for me, saying things like "what are you on about mate", "awww thanks" and "not at this time", but mainly saying "I don't think that was meant for me". Checking my sent items revealed the truth. I'd apparently decided about 3am to text loads of people on my phone and tell them that I love them and that they should come to my house for a party. Needless to say no-one arrived! I think I need one of those new phones with a breathalyser in it that doesn't let you text or call when you're drunk. As for tonight... ha, don't even ask!

I Think It Was My Fault

Yesterday was like a comedy of errors, sans the humour. I'm not going to dwell on it now as I'm over it now, but I'll just say this - EVERYTHING WENT WRONG!!!! ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Ok ok ok, I'm done now and it's out of my system. On thing of note though is that my personal trainer quit, and I think it was my fault. He always used to go on about how he didn't want to be a personal trainer and it was supposed to be a "see-me-through", but he'd been doing it for four years. I found myself saying things too him like "why are you still here when your heart lies elsewhere" and "every day you're doing this you're a day further away from where you want to really be", and blow my horses, he actually left, apparently to follow his ambition of doing a course in business and economics... he'll regret that one year down the line!

Anyway, I feel like I'm partially responsible. Oh well, it's no biggy I suppose. I have a new trainer - the head trainer no less. He's very "corporal punishment", which fits my needs like a power enducing boxing glove, so I'm happy! Hopefully he'll push me even harder.

Right, it's 6:10pm on a Friday, so I'm going to go for a jar or two... what, yes I'm allowed one "naughty day" a week, and this is it... game on!

HAARRRRRR!!!!!

I don't know whether this chat log from IRC actually happened or if it's the genius untruthes of a mental-case writer type, but either way it's very very funny. Beware though, it is of an 'adult' nature and contains asterixes where naughty words may have once lived. Oo er, 'citin' ain't it!!

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth ****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Watch This Space

When I was younger, I used to have a bit of a fascination with watches, and it's the only collection that I've really continued with into adulthood. The stamps died out first I think as it consumed too much time, then there were the interesting stones which I still like but don't really want cluttering up my otherwise semi-clean house, then I just stopped picking up badges at all of the places that I went to - though I still have hundreds of those. Watches on the other hand I've always liked, and is something I like to change every six months or so. My most recent one has been with me for two years though. The batteries died a while back, but I put them out, rubbed them, swapped them around, put them back in and got another 8 months of life. It's still ticking too. I find it amazing how that seems to work.

Despite living much longer than I'd expected, it finally got to the point where I had to change it. It's silver face and strap had taken a but of a beating over the years, and its otherwise pretty blue gradianted face is now scratched and battered from a life living in the fast lane; so this afternoon, I eagerly skipped down to the shops to find a replacement for "blue" (that was his name). The last few have always been from Next, but inspecting their collection today left me disappointed, so, I decided to up my game a bit and go designer. How happy was I to see that House of Fraser had a "30% Off All Watches" sale on? I'll tell you how happy. VERY HAPPY. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I ended up leaving with a lovely new "Fossil Big Tic" watch. I've wanted one with a big brown leather strap and a cool face for ages, and that's what this is, as you can see in the picture (yes, that's my arm too). Not only does it look cool, but it has a funky scrolling digital seconds bit in the middle, and you can change the "scroll" effect at the push of a button. Yum-bloody-tastic!

Andy is very happy right now - very happy indeed

It Has Begun!

I said that I was thinking about it in an earlier post, and in the 53 minutes since clocking off from work, I've done it. If you look to the right where "comments" used to be, you'll now see a lovely new section linking to my new blog. It's going to be a guide to healthly eating, mainly based around different smoothies, but also including other meals and things for you to try out. The idea is that if you were to do the recipe that is shown on a daily basis, whether it's a meal, a smoothie or whatever it would be a major contribution to your 5-a-day (usually three or more) and a guide to a health eating lifestyle. If you want to bookmark it, the url is http://5aday.lastminuteliving.com/getting_your_5_a_day/

Look forward to seeing you on the 'other side'!

No Business Like Snow Business

Living in London, you see people fighting all of the time. Kids in line for the school bus who bully the fat ginger kid who got no dinner money but a healthy packed lunch instead, the child who doesn't want to stay in their push-chair despite their mothers effortless demands and the four guys carrying canes and drinking milk whilst beating old homeless people nearly to death. Actually, I think that last one might have been from A Clockwork Orange. Anyway, this morning, I saw more people fighting than I have ever seen in London before, but this fighting made me smile and laugh; because on this otherwise normal Wednesday morning, they were snowball fighting.

Yes, I awoke this morning to the shocking sight of a layer of snow that lay outside of my window. My jaw dropped, but before it hit the ground I'd already grabbed my camera and was snapping away. I don't think I'll ever be able to say again that I was photographing the snow in London whilst naked. It's a moment I'll treasure. You see, I've only lived in London for a year now, despite working here over two and a half (God, is it that long already) and I've never seen it snow here so I was actually quite excited about it all. I was going to trek around the corner to Brockwell Park as I expected that it would be quite scenic, but I was already running behind my morning schedule and I had no real desire to sit at my desk all day with freezing cold toes. I've done that before in another 'snowy incident' (stop laughing dad), but that's a whole other story - if you're lucky, I might tell you about it one day, or show you the newspaper where my face, wrapped in tin-foil is gracing the front cover - or, I might not. But for now, here's a couple of the pictures (click for a bigger view). I'll do more at a later date when I have more time.

The Grape Escape

Today is smoothie day number 2, and another veritable treat for both the eyes and the palette. This mornings little number I'm calling "Grape Balls Of Fire" as it was primarily grape based. The ingredients are as follows. About 20 grapes, quarter of a pineapple, a whole apple (cored and peeled), 4 ice-cubes and 4 large scoops of low fat yogurt and this makes two glasses. If you're wondering about the ice and the yogurt, they're used to thicken up the mixture and stop it being too watery (ironic with ice-cubes huh). A general note though, is that if you want to make it smoother or thicker, just increase or decrease the amount of time you use the smooth setting for. I tend to use 10 seconds on blend followed by 30 seconds on smooth and it give a consistency that I like. "Grape Balls Of Fire" wasn't quite as good as yesterdays "Strawberry Revenge" as the flavour didn't have the same kind of kick and there were a lot of little 'bits' from the grapes, but otherwise it wasn't bad so I'm going to go with a 6 out of 10.

The more I write this, the more I think it could be a blog in itself with a different one each day for people to try. I sense a plan coming on. Scooby dooby dooooooo!

An Evening Of Firsts

For me, last night was a night of firsts. It was the first time I'd hit the gym on a Monday, it was the first time I'd used the new smoothie maker and it was the first time I'd ever been to the cinema by myself. On the cinema front, I went to see Rocky Balboa *hums the tune*. Usually I would have felt like a bit of a muppet going to the cinema by myself, but when I walked into the auditorium and it was full of guys by themselves, the Kermit-esque feelings turned their back and trotted out of the door. I suppose it is one of those films where the girlfriend will very probably stay at home.

The film itself was averagely excellent. What I mean by that is that the film itself was pretty average (I guessed the ending, which is actually quite clever when you think about it), the storyline isn't up to say Rocky I or Rocky IV, but it's entertaining. The first two rounds of the fight at the end of the film are done in real-time, and I could feel the pressure building up inside of me as it all started to kick off. I had to control myself so to not shout-out "Come on Rocky". In an ideal world I would have been allowed to stand on the seats and jump up and down whilst bellowing at the screen. But I wasn't. Oh well. Also, when the mandatory training montage started, everyone cheered. I think that's what they all came to see. "Let's start building some hurting bombs". Got to love that!

Anyway, on the way home, I stopped off to buy some smoothie ingredients. I got a lot and I actually felt really good buying so much fruit. I got a couple of oranges, a lemon, a pineapple, some peaches, a bunch of grapes, a load of apples, some bananas, a couple of kiwis, two mangos, a box of strawberries, fresh apple orange and pineapple juice, some single cream, two pots of low fat yogurt and some milk. When you can get all of that for £15, it makes sense to do it in bulk - especially when I'm going to be using it so much.

When I got home, it was testing time. I made enough ingredients to have one last night and this morning before I left for work because it takes quite a while to prepare and I don't have time in the morning. It's odd that my new "before bed" routine has to involve chopping fruit, but hey, I'm cool with that. Anyway, this mornings was a bit of an experiment, but damn was tasty. Every day this week I'm going to try a new one and tell you what I think and how to make it, just in case you want to try yourself. So, Tuesdays concoction is one I'm going to call "Strawberry revenge". It has in it (as you can see from the "before" picture, 100ml pure apple juice, approx 10 strawberries, 1/4 of a pineapple, 1/3 of a mango and three large tablespoons of low fat yogurt. Blend on mix for 10 seconds and blend for 30 seconds and pour. The result is below, and I give it an 8 out of 10. It's very tasty, really filling (which we all know is ideal for a good breakfast) and the two glasses it makes is about 4 of your 5 a day. Can't complain when it's ticking all those boxes at once huh! Tomorrow, I'm going to try something with peaches. The fruit that is, not the Geldof with the stupid name.

They Make Your Tongue Black

As I was walking to work this morning in the cold and wet weather that us Londoners have grown to see as a friend - but one of those friends that you just bloody hate, I found myself thinking two things. Firstly, how did it suddenly get so cold again that my jacket and scarf combo provided woefully inadequate warmth, and also, what the hell happened to Black Jack sweets. I used to love them and they just disappeared. Grab the phone and call Mulder and Scully - they'll know what to do. Oh, and if you can't taste Black Jacks right now, well, then you're very very bad!

Smoother Than Silk

As part of my new healthy lifestyle routine I've just invested in a smoothie maker. Good old Argos came to the rescue again. I've gone for the Kenwood Smoothie Concert (Concert? I wonder if it plays music) as it was on offer and I got a free recipe book. I'm quite excited about testing it out actually. I'll have to stock up on ingredients on the way home.

Vanilla and maple smoothie, Nutty banana boost,  Raspberry and pear swirl, Black forest shake and Tropical vodka smoothie are just a few of the plethora of taste sensations that await me.

If you want to find me, look for the salivating guy in the fruit and veg section of the Sainsburys by Herne Hill station.

30 Minutes Of Buzzing

Some things are inevitable. Death and taxes immediately spring to mind, but another less known inevitability is my ex-housemate Claire chatting to guys whenever she goes into 'Escape'.

On Friday night she came around about 8:00pm to pick up her sleeping bag as she was going away for the weekend. If she had foreseen what was coming though, I think she may have just head straight home and gone to bed instead. It so happened that on that night, Maya and Jeanne were having a dinner party, so over the course of the first hour after Claire arrived more and more people slowly arrived. I think there were about eight people all in all and I've already forgotten all of their names. Not wanting to intrude on their social gathering too much, we decided to go to the Half Moon pub around the corner and play some pool.

We got on the table pretty much straight away and beat Claire two games in a row, though it was evident that I'd not played in a while. I should have taken my own cue - I think that could have made all the difference. Anyway, I digress. Soon afterwards, two guys came over and put their pound on the table. On a side note, I think that the side of a pool table is one of the safest places to keep your money in a pub. You could put £20 in pound coins along the edge and no-one would touch them all night. It's like the unwritten rule of the pub (similar to the law of the playground, except with more alcohol). So, back to the story. These guys had staked their claim to the next game, so I challenged them to doubles which they accepted. I wasn't too worried about being beaten, because one of them was completely off his head. In all fairness, he did successfully hit the right ball once out of his five or six goes, so kudos to him for that. Me and Claire beat them comfortably once I started giving her some pointers. Oh, and I don't intend to sound condescending or big headed about being good at pool - I worked in a pool bar for a while at uni so I'm pretty handy with that giant chalked tipped chopstick.

So, after embarrassing them beyond belief, we swapped partners (a bit like one of those parties where you all go and put your keys in a fruit bowl, except there was no fruit bowl, and no keys, and no sex) and I got "totally fucked" guy. Despite that, we still won. Claire and I wondered what to do next and decided to hit the ol' faithful Escape. The time just flew by in there, and before I knew it, it was 1:30am. I was shattered due to my over-enthusiastic dancing so I headed back upstairs and left Claire talking to the guys that had started to chat her up over the course of the night. Back in the 'olden days' when Claire lived with me, I always used to hang around when she was chatting to guys. I guess I felt like an protective older brother or something, but now-a-days I just let her get on with it. She's a big girl and can look after herself. So I'd head off and evidently passed out as soon as my head had hit the pillow. This is where Claire's "evening of fun" really began.

When she finally decided to come back (as she stays at mine all of the time), she pressed the door buzzer and as I was asleep I didn't hear it. 30 minutes of buzzing later she gave up and decided to try an alternative approach. Now, I don't recall if I was a blogger when I locked myself out of my flat and had to climb onto the low roof behind the flat via a beer garden picnic bench, then prop a questionably unstable ladder on a tiny ledge by the Indian restaurant next door's back window before hoisting myself onto the roof of the building (two floors up) and lowering myself down the other side  onto an equally small ledge and into the flat through my living room window - which all ultimately led to the police arriving at my front door due to the numerous phone calls about a burglar skulking on the rooftops. Somehow, and I'd love to know how - Claire did the same thing, but without the ladder - and drunk. I struggled sober so I've no idea how she managed it, but the first thing I knew about it were her tales in the morning when I found her passed out on my sofa. The scrapes all down her sides were the ultimate memory enhancement for her.

Madness! Anyway, she left on her trip up to, erm, somewhere for Daisy's leaving do (that apparently  I was invited to though I have no recollection of ever hearing about it) and later on Kate from uni came around for the evening which consisted of a lot of games on the Playstation (primarily driving games as I have the two wheels), some below average karaoke and writing explicit songs whilst attempting to do some human beat box. We also watched Human Traffic, The Business and CKY4 so all in all, we did a lot of funny, stupid but highly entertaining things and I laughed a lot!

We hadn't planned to spend the evening in though. She was supposed to be going to a gay bar in Soho with her friend Sarah who cancelled at the last minute, and I was supposed to be going to Tiger Tiger in Croydon with Karly, a girl I used to casually date until she went on holiday and came back with a new prick of a boyfriend. She since realised he was a prick and now he's out of the picture and she's seeing someone else. I'm glad. Anyway, I'd messaged her asking what time everyone was going and I didn't hear back from her. Oh well, no biggy. I had fun anyway!

And now, it's Sunday afternoon (well, early evening now) and I'm in the office doing some personal work (mainly Photoshopping some photos for a friend), catching up on my weekends email and listening to music at a horribly loud volume considering I'm at my desk - though I am the only one here, so it's not like anyone will care!

Andy Likes It On Top

Need I say any more?

J'adoreeeeeeee

Earlier in the week, I promised photos of my housemates clown act. But, due to the wonders of modern technology, I can go one better than that and show you the whole thing on video. The most exciting thing is though, that not only do you get to see the act, but you get to see me on video for the very first (and not last, but that's something to come in the future) time. I'm the guy on the right in the yellow taking all of the photos.

If you tell me what you think of what they did I'll pass on the messages... Enjoy

It's Very Homosexual

Well according to the channel 4 "Gay-o-meter", I'm quite a well rounded character. I don't know what an 'ideal' rating would be for a heterosexual male, but I'll take it as an ok score. Credit has to do to Twentysomething Teacher Tales for the link. Try it yourself here - http://www.channel4.com/life/microsites/G/gayometer/index.html

I'm On The Night Train - Or Not

I'd like to thank you mother nature for my somewhat eventful excursion home from the radio station last night. After finally making it to Victoria Station I managed to catch a glimpse of the tail end of the 23:22 train as it pulled away from the station. Great! Not only had it taken me an hour to get from Shadwell to Victoria - usually a 20 minute journey - but I'd missed my train of choice too. How they blamed the weather for the delays on the underground is beyond me. It's "under" the "ground". Does it rain down there too?

Anyway, as my heart sank through the floor (probably into the highly delayed underground) I felt a small twinge on pleasure in the fact that my next train, the 23:53 service to Orpington was the only one on the board not labelled as 'delayed' or more painfully 'cancelled'. So for the next 25 minutes I patiently waited around listening to my music and I noticed something unusual. At one point I looked up, and stuggled to see an unattractive person. I think a beauty show had just let out next door and everyone from there had gotten delayed too. It was wonderful. Everyone was well dressed, well made up and just looking downright hot. I understand why you see so many homeless people loitering about there in the evenings now

That aside, it passed 23:44, the time when my train was due to arrvive, and it was nowhere to be seen. Then it happened. The sign flicked over from "On Time" to "Delayed". I can't say I didn't see it coming. I decided to wait around for a bit, but after a further 20 minutes, I was greated with "Expected 00:45". No way was I standing there for that long, so I went back down onto the underground and got back on the southbound Victoria line at the same stop I'd gotten off at almost an hour earlier. By 00:15 I was in Brixton ready to tackle the 15 minute walk back to Herne Hill. I saw someone I recognised from work at Brixton Station. A tall brunette girl whos name I don't know so I didn't say hi. I wasn't sure if she knew me anyway. I stepped outside. It was raining. This just got better and better.

By the time I got back home I was cold, wet, exhausted still from the gym earlier and pissed off, so I clambered into bed and just passed straight out. Thanks again mother nature for my horrific journey. Oh well, at least I'll be able to claim the £3.50 fare back because of my delay. Maybe every cloud has a silver lining after all.

Branded Pure Funny

I used to think Russell Brand was, excuse my French, a massive cock (I bet I get loads of hits now I've written that). I've since seen a few of his shows, watched some of his stand-up and listened to his interviews on the tele - and in doing so he's completely changed my opinion of him. The man is simply a genius. Not only is he incredibly quick witted but he's massively extravagant and has a brilliant grasp of the English language - which I like.

Whilst perusing for some of his video on YouTube, I came across this ravishing little collection. His entire stand-up DVD (in parts) which I thought I'd share with you! If you like his stuff you have to watch this, if you don't, this will turn you. I'd stake my reputation on it!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

How To Pick Yourself Up

For a lot of people, January is a time of doom and gloom. The self-pity of failed resolutions, the empty bank account after Christmas overspending, the pay rise you deserved but didn't get and the promise you made yourself last year but never kept. Sometimes, everything is so miserable and depressing that you can feel all your energy, confidence and self-respect disappearing over the horizon with its arse on fire. You then have a choice: either you can immediately book yourself a four month holiday to the Caribbean or, if that's not possible for some reason, you can pull yourself together

The difficulty is that when you're feeling glum the last thing you want to do is pull yourself anywhere. The only thing you want to pull is the phone out of the wall, the top off a bottle of gin and the duvet over your head.

Oddly, when you're feeling low the first instinct is to do a whole range of things that immediately make you feel worse; you sleep with someone 90% comfortable for the 10% comfort factor; you go shopping for clothes that are 90% overpriced and 10% suitable and then you eat a catering tub of ice cream which makes you feel 90% sicks and 10% depressed. You then don't go to a party because you feel so miserable and then wonder why no-one calls you (they're all at the party)

When you feel glum you think that the world is an awful place, that everything is conspiring against you and that never has one person suffered so much. Try standing in front of a mirror, repeating that to yourself and see if you can keep a straight face. If you can. then put yourself through the following emergency de-glumming programme.

Firstly, get moving. Either take your dog for a walk so long it thinks it's auditioning for a remake of The Incredible Journey, or go to the gym and test your lycra to destruction. When you get in, put a load of washing on, make something large and hot to eat, wash all of your dirty dishes, tidy up the whole house, throw lots of old things away, pour yourself a large drink and then look through your photo album to remind you of the good times (Don't do this if you look like a dork on your photos.)

Then have another large drink, put on your favourite CD at an unethically high volume and dance around like an idiot until you collapse with exhaustion. And finally, when you get into bed, remember however bad things are, they're a lot worse in other parts of the world. Except in the Caribbean of course

Why Do They Call It A Game?

As you may be fully aware, I'm not one who's afraid to try a range of new things - I mean, some of my favourite things to do are when it's a new experience, and on that basis - as you may or may not be aware - I'm dipping a tentative toe into the online dating game. I can't say that I'm new to meeting people online as I've been doing that for years, but I've never really used a dating website before, so I it was with a little apprehension that I signed up for one.

To begin with I was constantly checking my messages and my 'winks', as well as my page views to see how many people had been looking at me and was a little disappointed they all constantly flat-lined. The next day though, I got to work to an inbox full of winks and messages that I can't read without paying a rediculous monthly subscription fee. One particularly clever person took my name off of the site, plugged it into MySpace and contacted my for free through there. Now that's the kind of ingenuity I look for a in woman so instant Kudos were earned there.

After two days, I'd be contacted in various ways by nigh on 40 people, 95% of which were immediately dismissed as their age was outside of my boundaries, they didn't appear to be very interesting or I just didn't find them attractive in their photographs (yeah it's shallow, but you're bound to send your best picture in these kinds of things and if you don't look like what I'm after in that, you probably never will). So now, I'm idly chatting to two people - two very different people though who are both interesting in their own separate ways. I'm not going to write anything much more about them for now, as you never know who's reading, but one definitely appeals quite a way above the other at the moment, but I'm not in any real rush so am just going to take my time and see how and where it goes - and don't worry, I'll keep you updated!

A New Found Respect

Oh My God, I totally forgot to tell you about Tuesday gym 'experience'. As usual, Tuesday is one of my personal trainer days, and as the gym was a little packed at 6:30pm on Tuesday afternoon, and subsequently most of the weights were in use we decided to do an boxing training session. Let me tell you this for nothing, I have a new found respect for boxers.

In the past, whenever I workout, I workout hard. None of this 'I can't be bothered' rubbish - I really push myself to breaking point; but even so, I've never had a workout like this before. After literally countless twisting medicine ball lunches, pad work on the floor, pad work standing on various unbalanced services, medicine ball rabbit hops, vertical lifts, sit-ups, exploding star-jumps and enough press-ups to give Rocky a sore head I was literally on my last legs. This was made especially hard as part way through my regime, after just completing 40 twisting press-ups up a wobble board, a couple of the staff women came around with hats and Oyster card holders and said to me that if I did 20 press-ups, I could have one of each. Now I'm not one to back down on a challenge - especially to pretty ladies, but my arms were close to falling off. Despite this, I got down again and started forcing them out. I was aching so badly around 15 but with pure determination I forced out the last five and got my prizes. I now use the Oyster card holder (though not the chavvy red cap) to remind myself that I'm capable of things that I might not initially think I can do - and I believe that's a powerful message to remember.

So workout over I went and showered, and was in so much pain I literally had to sit on the floor of the shower for 20 minutes until I could feel my legs again. I was so close be being sick it was untrue, but I just about held myself together. All of yesterday I ached like never before. Everything way sore -  my back, arms, groin, legs, head - hell, even the muscles in my toes were sore, but God did it feel like I'd achieved something. I'm back again today for a health check as I think my working heart-rate is a little high, and my legs and bum muscles are still sore so hopefully that won't effect it. Overall I think it was the hardest physical thing that I've ever had to do, so from now on, I'm doing it every Tuesday!

Baby It's Cold Inside

Very few things in life really annoy me. Some of the things that do though include Jade Goody, cold calls and when people mess with the heating. So on the basis of that, imagine my dismay this morning when I awoke at 6:00am with the wind, rain and lightening banging so loudly outside my bedroom window that I thought my flat had been lifted Wizard of Oz style and dumped in the heart of Hades - and Hades was damn cold.

I dragged myself shivering out of bed and into the kitchen to find that yet again, someone had flicked the boiler to the 'off' position as opposed to my carefully planned 'timer' setting. It's happened a few times recently, and I've attempted to talk it over with my house mates but it's been a while since I studied French and I don't know the words for boiler, timer or 'leave the hell alone' - so, I guess for now, until I swot up on my mainland European languages, devise a clever system that delivers a small electric shock to whoever touches the dial or just lock everyone out of the kitchen I'm going to have to get used to waking up at a doorway to hell. I think I need Buffy the Vampire Slayer to help me out!

Though saying that, if she was there, there would be even less chance of me getting out of bed, even with the somewhat awkward looking nose-job

All That Clowning Around

As I walked past the James Allen Preparatory School For Boys in Dulwich for the fourth time on Sunday, I couldn't help but be overcome with a little deja-vu. As the birds started to sing, I realised that it was very  very late, or very early as the case may be.

Friday night had involved a trip to the cinema with Becky to see The Night At The Museum after work. It was by all accounts highly enjoyable, and I'd definitely recommend it to audiences of all ages. Ben Stiller is his usually hilarious self, Ricky Gervais' character has David Brent written all over him with his bumbling ranting antics, Dick Van Dyke makes a formidable bad-guy and Robin Williams is, as always, on top comedic form. Also, two actors to make brilliant appears are the constantly duelling Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan as Jedediah (an explorer who led teams through the Rocky Mountains and discovered South Pass) and Octavius (the Roman dude) respectively. One particular scene where Ben Stiller is telling them off is particularly funny. Anyway, I'm digressing. So, we saw the film and headed home. That was that - Friday over!

Saturday morning came around, and despite the fact that I was incredibly comfortable and enjoying being in bed, I had to move my sorry carcase and head off for a gym session, which I did - and so around midday I descended on the gyms for a sweat-fuelled workout. Two things struck me during that session. Saturday at midday is an excellent time to go to the gym as it's full of the "attractive female gym crowd", and I'd totally forgotten how much hard work is involved in both skipping and the punch bag. I'd decided to vary away from the treadmill - my usual choice of cardio - for my warm-up, as variety is the key (apparently). So, turning to the skipping rope I started hoppity hop hopping away in the middle of the floor, trying my hardest not to take anyone's eye out with my seven foot leather weapon. Sub ten minutes later I was shattered and completely out of different ways to skip. I'd done the normal forwards, one foot, double spin, one foot double spin and all of the same but skipping backwards. So, despite sweating buckets I moved onto the punch bag. It's one of those ones with a big heavy base that free stands wherever you put it. The first workout is getting the damn thing out of the corner amongst all of the other equipment, let alone pounding the thing for 15 minutes, but that's what I did, mainly my speciality jab jab jab with the left before a big bang with the right. My technique is obviously still on form as after a few warm up shots, I knocked the bag over with one punch. I cooled it down a little bit after that. Anyway, then is was the normal rounds on the weights before finishing off with a 10 minute aero walk. It felt good.

After leaving the gym around 2:00pm, I spoke to a uni friend, Kate, who I've not seen in ages despite the fact she only lives 10 minutes from my house. We agreed to meet later that night to hang out for the evening, so my day was spent lounging around and recovering from my earlier session before making the 15 minute walk to Kates. The minor issue though, is my amazing lack of direction. As I passed the James Allen Preparatory School For Boys for the first time, I made note of it as a checkpoint (amongst others) along my journey. Ten further minutes walking later, I saw a sign with arrows pointing ahead to Herne Hill and Brixton. I'd evidently gone wrong somewhere, so I turned around and started heading back from where I'd just come. 30 minutes and at least three 'back-turns' later, I arrived on Lordship Lane down the middle of Dulwich and fortunately knew where I was going from there.

We sat around for a few hours, watching tele, playing Buzz (I still love that game) and playing some blackjack. I passed out on the sofa at some awfully late time only to be woken around 5am by the rabbits in the cage in the same room. Damn do they get loud! I contemplated rabbit stew for a moment, but thought it not best, especially with the events that later followed.
Kate and her sister Flora (who incidently is no longer the spit of a 14 year old that I met all those years ago but is now a fully-fledged young woman and Stringfellows dancer - bravo Flora), came to life sometime around 10, and after a three hour ritual of slathering themselves with makeup we finally left to go and get some breakfast. The grease pit that we ended up in had my diet alarm sounding, but I managed to avoid the slatherings of bacon and sausage and opted for the omelette and hash browns. Quite safe by all accounts. That reminds me, I got Andy Waddell's breakfast too and he didn't give me the cash... what a rotter.

Much needed munching, tales of old, and some downright filthy banter (heightened by my comment about Andy being allergic to his girlfriends cat - I'll leave the exact wording to your imagination) later and I decided it was time to walk home. I set off on the path that I'd taken to get there the day before, and noted passing the James Allen Preparatory School again (that's number two if you're playing the "count" game). Then, somewhere along the line, I took a wrong turning. I know this as I ended up back on the high street that I'd just come from, so I tried retracing my steps again and this time, when I passed James Allen Preparatory School I turned a different way. By all accounts this was a bad mistake too as next thing I knew I was in Fulham. Tired, disheartened and just downright pissed off I got the first bus that I saw that I knew went relatively near to Herne Hill. It had taken me almost two hours traverse what should have been a 20 minute walk. At least I got a good bit of exercise doing it.

Sunday daytime was pretty uneventful after that until about 7ish when Noemie (one of my friends who I met through the Frenchies) came around and we went up to Notting Hill because Maya and Jeanne were performing their clown act at the Art Club. I didn't really know what to expect, but it was actually quite amusing. I'll post some pictures of it tomorrow.

Afterwards, Noemie and I left the club and trekked back down to Herne Hill. At least, that was the plan. Somehow, we got on the wrong train and ended up in Peckham Rye station. It was just one of those days for travel I guess. So we got on the bus and decided to go to hers for a drink before I head off home, which we did. Before I knew it, it was almost 2:00am, and getting tired from showing Noemie some mind tricks and how to do some stuff on her laptop I left and waited for the bus. Shame that it had just left and there wasn't one for another hour, so walking it was. I was told to just go straight, and not stop going straight, and sure enough it led me right home, not without my fourth and final pass of James Allen Preparatory School!

Relating back to the earlier rabbit incident, I encountered a fox on the way home, with a white rabbit gripped firmly between his teeth. Seems like this morning some poor father would be explaining to his sobbing child that Mr Flopsy had run away to live in the wild with all the other rabbits. Shattered, I collapsed in bed and was out like a light!

All in all, that was my weekend. It was pretty good. Now I've written this it seems like I did a lot, though it felt uneventful at the time. It's odd how these things appear!

What If God Was One Of Us

I came across this website earlier today and it's had me in complete and utter stitches. It's the top 100 forum quotes from hard-core Christians and their rants about things like Athiests, evolution and science. Anyone who I consider a sane person would be able to see how crazy some of these theories and thoughts are that they have. Just check it out and you'll see what I mean -  http://www.fstdt.com/top100.asp

A few of my personal favourites are as follows:

#3 - "One of the most basic laws in the universe is the Second Law of Thermodynamics. This states that as time goes by, entropy in an environment will increase. Evolution argues differently against a law that is accepted EVERYWHERE BY EVERYONE. Evolution says that we started out simple, and over time became more complex. That just isn't possible: UNLESS there is a giant outside source of energy supplying the Earth with huge amounts of energy. If there were such a source, scientists would certainly know about it. [emphasis added]"

#17 - "Several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys dont live several million years."

#29 - "Some people are born Asian, but through surgeries and counseling they can change."

#56 - "Have you ever seen an airplane or a bird? They defy the theory of gravity. Dont' say stupid stuff..... theorys can be broken, that's why they're not laws....."

#59 - "Doesn’t make sense. Evolution is stupid. You have to be a jackass to be evolution. Do you think man used to be a hairy, ugly, illiterate not so bright monkey lookin motherfucker. Will you let a ape do your taxes?? Can a ape drive a car??? Can a ape talk??? No!!!!!!!!"

#66 - "I didn't come to Jesus by my intelligence and neither will you my friend."

#93 - "A missionary I knew watched a bullet headed for him do a RIGHT ANGLE before it got to him."

#97 - "Constants seldom are ... pi changes depending upon the strength of the gravitational field involved."

Turn The Music Up Til The Windows Start To Shatter

For those of you fine people who were listening last night, you may remember that I opened with Orson - No Tomorrow. The reason for that is because it's awesome! The tune, the style, the lyrics and the whole story that it tells. If all songs were this good children would be born already wearing headphones.

It's lines like "I'm as happy as can be, I got a girl who thinks I rock" and "Everybody here is staring at the outfit that you're wearing, love it when they check they out" that really get me going. They're great lyrics. So, you've heard my opinion of it, now watch it here and you can form your own!

Those Crazy Japs

No-one does game show's like the Japanese. Banzai, Tageshi's Castle, and now this badass show that I don't know the name of. Either way, we should have it in England, it would be a ratings smasharooni

Their Mate Was A Pimp Transsexual...

I just stimbled across a prank phone call on the Internet that I just had to transcribe for you poor souls without speakers or headphones. It's basically a guy calling a television network about their new gay and lesbian channel and it had me in stitches. I'll make it very clear at this point though, that I'm not in the slightest bit homophobic. I have a lot of good gay friends and I also own a George Micheal and a Queen album, so how could I be.

If you want to hear the actual dialogue, check out this link - http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2004/s_ned-p1.php

<<phone rings>>
"Good Morning, xxxxx Communications, may I help you?"
"Errr, yes, I was told about this new gay & lesbian channel, what's up with that? What's the deal with that?"
"It's just a channel for people who are interested and want to be educated about the gay perspective"
"Oh really! Seems to me like the gay perspective would be a couple of big hairy balls hanging in front of your face"
"Sir"
"I would even go as far as to say that the gay man, down on all fours with his lover jack-hammering his backside probably has a very limited perspective, like, the floor or the headboard"
"Sir, that is not what the gay and lesbian channel is all about"
"Well why don't you fill me in"
"It plays education shows and documentaries that emphasise the positive roles gays play in our society"
"Documentaries? Do you really think that the average homosexual can stop sucking dick long enough to watch a documentary? I mean please, let's get real"
*laughs* "ok" *hangs up*

<<recalls>>
"Good Morning, xxxxx Communications, may I help you?"
"Look, I'm just trying to gauge where this gay channel is coming from. I mean, will there be speciality shows like 'the gay outdoors' and stuff like that?"
"That's very possible"
"That's very realistic. Like a couple of queers could sit in a duck pond for five hours without having anal sex with each other"
"Sir, this is not what the gay and lesbian channel is all about"
"Blow on this duck call boy"
*hangs up*

<<recalls>>
"Good Morning, xxxxx Communications, may I help you?"
"Yes, we seem to have been disconnected. Is there going to be news on this gay channel?"
"Sir, I'm really not sure about that yet"
"Because I really don't think there's a need for news, sports and weather from a gay perspective. Look we all know gay men are very promiscuous."
"What are you talking about"
"Well they don't give a shit whether it's going to rain or not, they're interested in the seven day forecast for getting their dick sucked"
*laughs*
"Hello?"
*laughs more*
"Hello?"
*hangs up*

<<recalls>>
"Good Morning, xxxxx Communications, may I help you?"
"Yeah look missy. I've been doing some thinking about this here gay network"
"Sir"
"Yes"
"Please, quit calling. What's your name?"
"My name is Ned, and I'm very interested in this gay network because if you're gonna do it you might as well do it right"
"Are you gay?"
"....."
"Ned?"
"My sexuality has absolutely no bearing on the subject... now where was I? Ya know, if you're gonna do it you might as well do it right. You see, I got some good ideas for some all gay shows"
"Please quit calling"
"Like Walker Texas Rump Ranger"
"Please"
"The Bionic Lesbian. This Old Bath-house"
"I don't have time for this"
"Have you ever seen Bob Veta stripping an 80 year old man's ass?"
"I have a phone to answer" *laughs*
"Pretty hot. I've got a million of 'em. Here here, check this one out. Instead of Raw Hide, it's Raw Hind, like behind"
"Very nice sir, please"
*sings to the Raw Hide tune* "Colon colon colon, I'm pounding on your colon. Colon is so swollen, Raw Hind. Push it in pull it out, push it in pull it out, push it in pull it out"
*hangs up*

<<recalls>>
"Good Morning, xxxxx Communications, may I help you?"
"Yes, how about this one, for the kids. HR Fuck 'n' Suck"
"That's disgusting" *hangs up*

<<recalls>>
"Good Morning, xxxxx Communications, may I help you?"
"How about this one? Instead of F-Troupe, how about F-Me Troupe?"
"No"
"Where Larry Storm battles Indians in fuck-me pumps and a crotchless cavalry outfit. That's hot"
*laughs*
"Oh yeah"
*hangs up*

<<recalls>>
"Good Morning, xxxxx Communications, may I help you?"
*theme to Mission Impossible starts playing*
"I don't have time for this"
"Here's a good one. Missionary Impossible"
"Ned!"
"Get it? Gay guys, Missionary Impossible"
"Sir"
"This tape will self destruct in five seconds"
"I'm hanging up now" *hang ups*

<<recalls>>
"Good Morning, xxxxx Communications, may I help you?"
*theme to The Duke of Hazzard starts playing*
"The Dicks of Hazzard. Bo and Luke Dick Hazzard..."
"Ned"
"...are just a couple of gay country boys with 12 inch cocks"
"That is not what the gay and lesbian channel is all about"
"Yeeeeeah"
*hangs up*

<<recalls>>
"Good Morning, xxxxx Communications, may I help you?"
"Here's a guaranteed sure fire smash hit. Gilligan's Asshole"
*Theme to Gilligan's Island starts to play*
*laughs* "How can I not laugh at that"
*sing to the theme of Gilligan's Island* "The skipper wanted Gilligan's tale, so his pants he did unzip"
"Ned"
"But that big fat homo was too large so he crushed little Buddy's imp. Their mate was a pimp transsexual..."
*hangs up*
"Hello? Ah damn it"

Links For Tonight's Show

Due to having to carry a shed load of gym kit around with me today, I'm a little limited on the CDs that I have for tonight's show, but I have the following on me if you want to make any requests. Just message me on here with your request or drop me an email to studio@xstreameast.co.uk and I'll pick it up in the studio later

Remember - Grass Roots, with it's slightly different sound (for the next couple of weeks) can be heard from 8-10pm tonight on www.xstreameast.co.uk - Just press "Listen"

Compilations
NOW! 65
The Anthems
Guilty Pleasures
R'n'B Yearbook 2006
Radio 1 Live Lounge

As well as these albums :
We Are Scientists - Love & Squalor
The Killers - Sam's Town
KT Tunstall - Eye To The Telescope
Milburn - Well Well Well
The Kooks - Inside In / Inside Out
Starsailor - In The Crossfire

Mmmmm, Breakfasty

Breakfast for me this morning consisted of four eggs. Thats it until I got to work and had a smoothie with approximately 25 strawberries, 59 raspberries, one and half oranges, two apples and two bananas in it. Oh, and a regular banana too. The thing about the eggs is though is the way to eat them. Personally, I'm a big fan of eggs. They're God's little miracles. I can't think of one other food that can be prepared in so many tasty ways. Scrambled (my favourite), poached, fried, boiled, cooked on a pizza, frazzled in a toastie or whisked into a lovely meringue. But today, I had them natures way, the Rocky Balboa way, the "time to get into shape way", and that is raw! Four eggs, one glass. I have to admit, I've only ever had raw eggs once before, and I don't remember that being the best experience.

That was Christmas 2005 at my last job when we had our Christmas party. We all went to a town hall somewhere in south London and played a load of games for prizes, including games consoles, DVD players, all kinds. Me being me, opted to be one of the captains and after a few hours of fun, embarrassment and exhaustion the final game came around - the Captain's Challenge. So me and seven other captains sat facing our team on a chair in the middle of the room, and soon, a table was put in front of us with various covered items. We were told that we had to reveal them one by one and eat what was under the cloth before moving onto the next one. The first person to eat all of the items would be the winner.

Ready. Set. Go! And we were off. The first plate had a slice on lemon on it which I devoured pretty easily, though later on I discovered I was the only one to eat all of the rind too. The second plate had a garlic clove. Begrudgingly that munched that down and revelled in the fact that I'd have smelly garlic breath for the rest of the night - which I did. Third was the egg in a plastic mug. That slid down but made me gag a little bit. Next was a yam's cake. If anyone ever tells you do eat a yam's cake, don't. It's what I imagine eating human defecation would be like. Next was a lamb's testicle. The thought of this one slowed pretty much everyone down except for me and the guy sitting next to me as we fearlessly munched straight into it. If you could see our smiles it was because we discovered on biting it that it was really a lychii. The final cloth had under it a cracker with a tiny little brown dot in the very centre, and written on the plate was "Da Bomb". Not one to be put off by that I gulped down the cracker, only to have my mouth explode. It turns out Da Bomb is the hottest of hot sauces on the planet, and one droplet is supposed to be used to make four vindaloo curries. The bottle (which we were later shown) strongly advises against human consumption neat - and we'd just eaten it on a cracker. As the last gulp went down I cheered that I'd done it all, but I was beaten literally by under two seconds by the guy next to me. His prize - £2000. I was gutted!

Anyway, off the back of that, it made me realise that raw egg might make me feel like chucking again, so I didn't put all four in the glass - I did them one at a time. The first one made me gag a little bit, so on the second, I drank it rather than gulping it and it went down easily. The third and forth followed with no problem too, so maybe I'll try two at a time tomorrow until I work up to the four at once.

After my adventure in egg land, I went to the gym for about 6:45am and started on the training that Alex set out for me. I did the Wednesday routine, as I'm a day out this week, but will get it back on the 'proper' days next week. I might even repeat the session tonight before going and doing the radio show. But I've noticed one thing. Maybe it's the gym water in the shower, maybe it's the shampoo, or maybe it was the fact I used the blow-drier, but my hair is highly wild and fluffy today! Nice!